Florida Agenda

By JOEL S. SLOTNICK

On June 27, 1969— almost 43 years ago— something happened to change the lives of many. It’s known as the Stonewall riots. (I call it the Stonewall Uprising.) In a June 22, 2009 posting, The Leadership Conference wrote, “This Sunday, June 28, will mark the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall riots, the event largely regarded as a catalyst for the LGBT movement for civil rights in the United States. The riots inspired LGBT people throughout the country to organize in support of gay rights, and within two years after the riots, gay rights groups had been started in nearly every major city in the United States.”

At the time, there were not many places where people could be openly gay. New York had laws prohibiting homosexuality in public, and private businesses and gay establishments were regularly raided and shut down. In the early hours of June 28, 1969, a group of gay customers at a popular gay bar in Greenwich Village called the Stonewall Inn, who had grown angry at the harassment by police, took a stand, and a riot broke out. As word spread throughout the city about the demonstration, the customers of the inn were soon joined by other gay men and women who started throwing objects at the policemen, shouting “gay power.”

Police reinforcements arrived and beat the crowd away, but the next night, the crowd returned, even larger than the night before, with numbers reaching over 1,000. For hours, protesters rioted outside the Stonewall Inn, until the police sent a riotcontrol squad to disperse the crowd. For days following, demonstrations of varying intensity took place throughout the city.

In the wake of the riots, intense discussions about civil rights were held among New York’s LGBT people, which led to the formation of various advocacy groups such as the short-lived Gay Liberation Front, which was the first group to use the word “gay” in its name, and a city-wide newspaper called Gay.

On the first anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, the first gay pride parades in U.S. history took place in Los Angeles, Chicago, San Francisco, and near the Stonewall Inn in New York. The Stonewall riots inspired LGBT people throughout the country to organize in support of gay rights, and within two years after the riots, gay rights groups had been started in nearly every major city in the United States.

Here we are in 2012. Be honest. If you went around Pride events and questioned people about its history, how many could actually tell you? Since Stonewall, generations of our LGBT seem to have forgotten, or chose to put aside, what the riots were about, and what they did to clear the way for the freedoms we enjoy to this day.

Over the years, “Pride” has been celebrated with events worldwide. Some festivities last a weekend, a week, or even a month. There are parades, big and small. In some cases, it has turned into a circuit party, and a chance for some businesses and/or, individuals to capitalize off a once-great but diminishing history. Yes, I said it.

In the next decade, most if not all of those who fought in the Stonewall riots will be gone. Who will carry on the history of June 27, 1969? If we don’t start to remember why it got us, as LGBT persons, to where we are today, we may not have much of a tomorrow. Maybe it is time to think what we want the history of Stonewall to record. Will it be about our PRIDE, or about a party? If you don’t know the answer to this one, maybe you’ve been Stonewalled.

Joel S. Slotnick is a former Secretary- Treasurer for Pride of South Florida, and a longtime LGBT activist. He lives in Fort Lauderdale.

BY B.J. EPSTEIN

More countries around the world now allow gay marriage, so it seems as though same-sex marriage is becoming a more accepted phenomenon. But do young LGBTQ people see it as an option? According to books for children and young adults (“YAs”), the answer is “no.” Robin Reardon, who has written several YA novels with gay male protagonists, has her main character in “A Secret Edge,” Jason, consider gay marriage.

He thinks, “I’ve never given [marriage] much thought before. But now–I guess it’s out of the question for me. I mean, you hear about two guys getting married, sort of, but it seems a little far-fetched to me. And suddenly a lot of things most people take for granted seem a little far-fetched for me. Living with someone you love. Having kids.” Jason’s sad ponderings might make a reader pity gay people and their limited opportunities for a happy and fulfilling romantic relationship. Jason’s uncle, who raised him, is sorely disappointed when he learns that his nephew is gay. He thinks, “No one should have to live like that. He’ll be hated, ostracized.

He won’t be able to marry or have children.” Like Jason’s uncle, Liza’s father in Nancy Garden’s “Annie on My Mind” worries about what being gay will mean for his daughter. Although not as disgusted by her lesbianism as some of her teachers are, Liza’s father says that he doesn’t want this for her, because it will mean she can never marry or have children. In Maureen Johnston’s “The Bermudez Triangle,” Avery thinks about her girlfriend, “’What if Mel wanted to get married and have a commitment ceremony and play Ani DiFranco and k.d. lang songs and have cats as bridesmaids?’ That would be great for Mel, but it just wasn’t something Avery could picture.

The thought scared her. A lot.”W hile it’s great to see that there’s some recognition that there are opportunities for gay couples to show their commitment to one another, this passage stereotypically mocks what lesbians are like (cat-mad avid Ani DeFrancolisteners) and also suggests that the idea of a ceremony isn’t too appealing. If you look at preeminent queer writer for children Lesléa Newman’s oeuvre of picture books (including “Mommy, Mama, and Me,” “Daddy, Papa, and Me,” and “Heather Has Two Mommies”), you won’t find any marriages. Similarly, Michael Willhoite’s “Daddy’s Roommate”—which relies on the euphemism “roommate” rather than employing “boyfriend,” “partner,” or, heaven forbid, “husband”—and Hedi Argent’s “Josh and Jaz Have Three Mums,” don’t seem to consider the possibility that the two mothers or two fathers could actually be wife-and-wife or husband-and-husband.

One of the few picture books to feature gay marriage is Ken Setterington’s “Mom and Mum are Getting Married.” The story here is about how Mom and Mum just want a small ceremony while their daughter Rosie wants to be the flower girl in a big event. It’s a refreshing change to see a picture book normalize gay marriage and show a gay couple making a legal commitment. One could argue that authors reflect society within their writing and if young people are taught to believe that marriage is not an option for gay people, there is actually little incentive for a government’s policies to change. Regardless of whether it’s up to the authors or the politicians to take the first step, the solution is clear: legalize gay marriage and portray it in books for children and young adults. It needn’t be “out of the question” any more.

By Marc Paige

When Mitt Romney selected a gay man, Richard Grenell, as his Foreign Policy and National Security Spokesman, the Log Cabin Republicans, GOProud, and LGBT conservatives everywhere hailed this appointment as proof that Romney, in his heart, was a fair man who will do right by the gay community.

But it took only ten days for Grenell to be gone, and Romney’s anti-gay bona fides to be stronger than ever. Grenell’s decision to leave the Romney presidential campaign came after a busy week of foreign policy news. While Grenell was allowed to listen in on a key press call on foreign policy, the New York Times reported that he was neither introduced at the beginning of the call, nor allowed to speak during the conversation.

Apparently, this humiliation was too much for Grenell, appointed to a position where relationships with reporters are vital to success. Grenell’s letter of resignation thanked Romney “for his belief in me and my abilities and his clear message to me that being openly gay was a non-issue for him and his team,” and placed the blame for his departure on “the hyper-partisan discussion of personal issues.

Furious voices on the right came fast to condemn Romney when he initially selected Grenell, the loudest being Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association. After Fischer took credit for Grenell’s resignation, his directive to Romney going forward was unequivocal: “I will flat-out guarantee you Romney is not going to make this mistake again. There is no way in the world that Mitt Romney is going to put a homosexual activist in any position of importance in his campaign.” At no point during the Grenell affair did Romney publicly speak out against the ugly voices of bigotry coming from the right. That would have taken conviction and leadership.

In his statement of regret over Grenell’s resignation, Romney’s language contained a dog whistle to the right to reassure them that he remains one of them: “We select people not based upon their ethnicity or their ‘sexual preference’…” (to be read as a choice and changeable), avoiding the accurate “sexual orientation” (derided by the right for its intrinsic and unchangeable connotation). What does all this mean for the November election? LGBT voters are a small constituency, representing perhaps five percent of the voting population.

But a growing number of young heterosexuals see LGBT equality as the civil rights issue of our time. The Grenell debacle has reminded young voters, as well as those with gay loved ones, that a Romney presidency, ruled by the right, will reverse the forward trajectory of LGBT equality in America. After his victory, an emboldened Bryan Fischer told The Nation magazine that candidate Romney must commit to other anti-gay measures, including vetoing the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) if it reaches his desk.

During his failed U.S. Senate run in 1994, Romney made a commitment to Massachusetts’ Log Cabin Republicans to co-sponsor ENDA at the federal level. But in 2007 Romney told Tim Russert on “Meet The Press” that he would not support ENDA at the federal level.

When Russert challenged this about face, Romney was unfazed: “Oh, Tim, if you’re looking to someone who’s never changed any positions on any policies, then I’m not your guy.” Now there’s a solid Romney conviction.

By SCOTT GALVIN

Recently, I was speaking to a Gay Studies class at Florida International University, my alma mater. A student asked me which one LGBT law I would change if I were empowered to do so. I’m sure most expected me to say I’d legalize gay marriage, the continued hot topic of the gay community.

Instead I answered with something that was not only unexpected, but for many, a topic they didn’t realize existed. I said I would overturn the federal ban on gay men donating blood.

Since 1985, gay men have not been able to legally donate blood in the United States. This policy was instituted by our government in the earliest, most fearful days of the AIDS epidemic. When so little was known about the disease, reactionary officials instituted the ban as a way to ensure the nation’s blood supply would remain “clean.”

The gay rights movement has many fields of battle. In recent months, Congress has repealed “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” President Obama signed a bill extending hate crime protections to sexual orientation, and more and more states allow same-sex marriage.

But to our list of equality issues, we should immediately add overturning a ridiculous Federal policy which jeopardizes the well-being of each of us. We should fight to overturn the Federal ban on gay men (“MSMs,” or men who have sex with men) donating blood.

The good news is that there is a growing movement afoot in Washington, DC to do it. Under the leadership of U.S. Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) and U.S. Rep. Mike Quigley (D-IL), the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) has outlined concrete steps toward ending the outdated, discriminatory lifetime ban on gay and bisexual men from donating blood.

In 2010, a group of 18 U.S. Senators led by Massachusetts’s Kerry penned a letter to FDA officials calling for an end to an “outdated, medically and scientifically unsound” policy.

Most Americans—including many gays—do not even realize the ban is still in place. The FIU gay issues class students I addressed were well-versed in gay marriage, bullying, AIDS awareness, and the usual gay rights issues. But when I brought up the blood ban, very few of the people in attendance knew it existed.

Obviously, thanks to modern science, we now know much more about the spread of HIV and AIDS than we did in 1985. Truly, this ban is unnecessary and outdated. Donated blood is screened thoroughly between the time it is donated and when it is used for medical procedures. Technology easily helps us catch any tainted blood before it can be given to someone in need.

I have begun to reach out to my Congresspersons and various gay rights organizations. With President Obama in the White House, we have an amazing chance to end a moronic and discriminatory policy. Two thousand twelve is a watershed year for the gay rights movement. Let us also make this the year.

By Rabbi NOAH KITTY

Being both LGBT and Jewish is to be twice blessed, say Christie Balka and Andy Rose, and I believe them, although I have to admit that there are days when—as Woody Allen might quip—it doubles my chances of getting beat up in the schoolyard. Growing up Jewish taught me many lessons about self-esteem, taking comfort in my minority community, and accepting the fact that there really were people out there who hated me, and learning how to handle that.

Studying Jewish history, I learned much about Christian and Muslim Europe and what we now call the Middle East.

“Muslim Europe?” you ask. Yes: before the Christians were in Spain, the Muslims held the Iberian Peninsula, and no: they didn’t leave willingly. Not only might this tidbit win you a prize on a game show, it might also help you keep your head on your shoulders—and the rest of your body reasonably intact—when you have a runin with the aforementioned people who hate you. Like any other skill, it needs to be developed, which is what being Jewish did for me when I came out as a lesbian.

Another thing being Jewish taught me was an appreciation of time and history.

Jews regularly talk about how things were a thousand years ago, mostly in conjunction with holiday celebrations.

Moses and the Egyptians, Esther and the Persians, Judah Maccabee and the Romans: it could have been yesterday from the easy way these names fall off our tongues. So in Jewish time, the dawn of LGBT rights happened an hour ago.

It used to be that mainstream Jewish institutions did not welcome LGBT Jews. While there was less of the “burn in hell” variety of condemnation, we were lumped together with alcoholics, drug addicts, thieves, and other sorts of ne’er-do wells. In other words, it wasn’t something that Jews “did.” Regarding the Jewish Orthodox folks who did condemn us, I just didn’t accept their authority over my life. Coming out, I met a whole bunch of Jews who indeed did “do” gay, and during those heady times we relished how our parents had prepared us to be successful in a world eager to see us fail.

How times have changed! LGBT folks are welcome members of almost all synagogues in the U.S. For the most part, it’s a non-issue, except for programming social events and being asked if an LGBT speed-dating casino night might be successful. Lesbian and gay Jewish couples regularly have their unions blessed in a religious ceremony at their synagogue, and get married, if state law permits.

True, it’s sometimes downright dangerous being gay, especially if you’re a young person growing up in a difficult environment, but it’s not easy being Jewish either: and who told you it was going to be easy anyway? Unfortunately too many people get the message that life should be easy, and when it’s not, they figuratively sit back on their tuchas. Better I think to teach that life is hard, and here are the many ways you can navigate it.

Most of the members of my congregation have done a magnificent job of navigating through their lives, sometimes to the point of claiming that there is no longer a need for an LGBT directed synagogue. True for them, perhaps, but certainly not for the many young folks coming up and needing a place to call their own, or the adults coming out after a lifetime of living as a straight person and not knowing where to turn for community or advice. So, until the world is perfected, Etz Chaim intends to continue our mission of service to the community, however you may identify yourself.

By NADINE SMITH

It’s tax season, and once again gay married couples are caught between the truth and the law.

Each year, the federal government demands thousands of gay married couples sign an IRS Form 1040 with this stern warning. “Under penalties of perjury, I declare that I have examined this return and accompanying schedules and statements, and to the best of my knowledge and belief, they are true and complete.”

But how do you answer in good conscience when the IRS tells you to lie? The IRS, citing the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), demands gay couples deny our husbands and wives, and indicate our marital status as “single.”

The IRS makes this demand despite the fact numerous courts have found DOMA to be unconstitutional, and the Department of Justice has stopped defending its key provisions.

Those of us who are married should be able to indicate our marital status honestly when filling out our tax return.

Currently, there are more than 1,000 legal protections afforded to heterosexuals that are considered inapplicable to the lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender (LGBT) community. Many of these significantly impact finances (real estate, inheritance and health coverage, to name a few), but it is each year, on April 15, that all gay married couples come face to face with the inequities and indignity of having our families denied.

As more and more gay people get legally married in the U.S. or abroad, many married gay couples throughout the country are refusing to identify as “single.” Quietly, from California to New York, from Alaska to Florida, couples are refusing to deny their spouses and are willing to take the risks of entering legally murky territory to take a stand.

A website called RefuseToLie.org has become a gathering place for gay couples to share their stories and for others to speak out in solidarity. While many post they have chosen to file as married, the site also provides tax tips for those who wish to protest but don’t want to risk running afoul of the IRS.

Research shows gay people, on average, pay nearly $500,000 more over a lifetime due to discriminatory laws and practices. A recent CNNMoney study concluded same-sex couples are paying as much as $6,000 more in annual federal income taxes than other married couples, even in states that recognize their unions.

For example, married couples filing jointly who sell a home can exclude from taxation up to $500,000 of the income received. Gay couples are only allowed to exclude $250,000, the same as single filers.

Given these disparities, legalized bigotry has certainly cost many gay families the home they dream of in a safer neighborhood, a college education for their children, or the start-up money for a business.

My wife and I will once again file as married. We got married in Vermont, surrounded by 80 of our friends and family at the Burlington Quaker Meeting House. We committed, in front of our loved ones and duly authorized representatives of the state of Vermont, to love, cherish, and protect each other for the rest of our lives. It would be both dishonest and deeply humiliating to now disavow each other of our marriage and declare ourselves single on our tax form.

We have an 11-month-old son, and we know it is our actions that will teach him more than just our words. How can we raise him to be honest and have integrity in his interactions with other people if we fill out a form that denies our existence as a family?

Nadine Smith is the executive director of Equality Florida.

She can be reached at Nadine@eqfl.org.

By ALEX VAUGHN

We have all been out on a Thursday night: the Drive comes alive, it’s almost the weekend, and it’s time to let your hair down. You pull into the vast parking lot and rush in to meet your friends. You have a couple of drinks, socialize, and when you look out over the car park and see all the guys around, you can’t help but think “wow, how lucky am I to live in–or at the very least visit–Greater Fort Lauderdale and to have somewhere like The Shoppes of Wilton Manors to use as a base!” Well, yes you are, if you aren’t towed.

The signs are posted: the parking spaces in The Shoppes are reserved for patrons of the businesses. A bit extreme, as it is the center of Wilton Manors life, but ok, fair enough. Many of the establishments on and off the Drive have their own reserved- for-valet parking spaces. The signs are clear: you can’t leave your car unattended unless you are patronizing one of the businesses. What they don’t tell you is if you break the rules, you will be sent somewhere in which you could be killed.

You can imagine my utter shock to find that after a great evening catching up with friends, our car had been towed. There was no help or explanation offered, other than to “call the number on the sign,” which we did. Although told over the phone that we needed to pay to pick it up, at no point was it mentioned that they only accept cash- -do most people routinely walk around with over $100 in cash on them?

I know it sounds awfully dramatic, but if you get towed, say “goodbye” to the safety of Wilton Manors, to the ability to be yourself, and to feel safe and secure. In fact, say “hello” to the worst district in Fort Lauderdale, the area around 1800 West Sunrise Blvd., which is where your car will be towed. West Sunrise Blvd. is notorious for a few things: it is where a spring breaker last month was beaten to within an inch of his life for possession of his laptop; it also, as of last month, has the area’s highest rate of homicides; and it is where I found myself last Thursday night.

We took a cab to the tow yard, and immediately knew we were in the wrong neighborhood. Since there was no ATM nearby, we walked through what I can only describe as a frightening, dangerous area to a gas station where we got cash.

On our walk back–nervous, frightened and trying to be as aware as possible–a mugger snatched my partner’s $2,000 gold chain from his neck. The police officer who took our report was very clear that no one should ever be in that area at night, under any circumstances. We learned that the hard way.

I couldn’t agree more with parking rules: you park only where you visit. But if you break that rule, should you be forced to take your life into your hands? Many would argue to go during the day to pick up your car if it’s towed, but it was implied to us they would impose extra charges for holding it overnight.

For gay men, one benefit of living in or visiting Wilton Manors is the element of safety: the towing policy violates that.

There is an empty lot behind The Shoppes with some 30-odd spaces: would it not make more sense to tow the cars back there, and simply raise the towing fee?

There would be people who argue the fee will be too high, but right now the fee could end up costing you your life. Attention has been called to the towing policy before, but having experienced firsthand the unbridled danger of what it means to be towed action must now be taken—before someone in the community gets hurt or killed.

Alex Vaughn is the former Editor-in- Chief of the Florida Agenda.

Editor’s Note: At press time, Rivercrest Realty Investors, the owners of The Shoppes of Wilton Manors, have stopped utilizing the services of EMS Towing.

  By NICK STONE

FORT LAUDERDALE – The Angry Left doesn’t have conservative commentator and author Andrew Breitbart to kick around anymore. I’m sorry to admit I never considered the legendary blogger a hero until he was gone. But his absence hit me and the country with a deafening thud.

Breitbart dedicated himself to the cause of bringing to light the hypocrisy and vulgarity of the so-called “progressive” left.

He wasn’t about to let them get away with pretending to be open-minded and accepting of individuality. He knew the dark history of the Left and its members’ penchant for the politics of division. Thanks to his work, many of us know the truth, too.

Sometimes Breitbart got it wrong when breaking a story. With his flair for the dramatic, he would occasionally overplay a nugget of truth as though he had the scoop of the century. But along the way, he did uncover some doozies and got Americans talking about some previously unspoken political truths. Beyond muckraking, he used his larger-than-life personality to rally unlikely groups to the conservative brotherhood.

Breitbart was a man of inclusion. He served on the advisory council of the gay Republican group GOProud and was known to have many gay, liberal, and minority friends. While this fact rarely caused right wing outrage, it did spark a meltdown on the left.

The rumor mill spat vile epithets at Breitbart, accusing him of being a closeted gay, predicting that he would die of AIDS, rot in hell, etc. In his lighthearted fashion, Andrew would re-tweet the messages as an homage to and reminder of the true nature of the left.

Breitbart urged conservatives from all walks of life to keep focused on opposing the radical (read: entire) Left, rather than each other. At a recent gathering of the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), he admonished the GOP faithful to rise above personal differences for the urgent cause of defeating the political opposition.

“The Republican Party and the conservative movement is not what ABC and CBS puts up on the screen,” Breitbart announced. “They try to portray you in the worst possible light. And when I walk through CPAC or I travel through the United States and I meet people in the Tea Party who care–black, white, gay, and straight–anyone who’s willing to stand next to me to fight the progressive Left, I will be in that bunker.

And if you’re not in that bunker because you’re not satisfied with this candidate, [then] more than shame on you. You’re on the other side.”

In some strange way, Breitbart made it “cool,” or at least acceptable to be conservative.

Was he a gay hero? For those of us who want to see both parties fighting for inclusion and equality, maybe he should have been. The truth is that the world at large was a much, much better place with him in it.

By Nick Stone

If you believe in equality under the law, it might surprise you when I say that a Mormon Republican is our best bet for president in 2012. Take a deep breath and keep reading.

Let me start by saying that Republican candidates want gay votes. They just don’t think they are going to get them. In Republican circles, it can be an uphill battle to get candidates to campaign in gay and minority areas.  On the surface, it might seem that they don’t want your vote, but that’s simply untrue.

There was a time when the Republican Party was outwardly hostile toward gays.  This isn’t 2004, and George W. Bush isn’t president. Countless examples exist of the Democratic Party’s history of discrimination and repression, but I’ll forego that lesson for now. Just know that today’s Republican Party would truly surprise you if you gave it a second look.

It’s often said that demographics are the future of partisan politics. Growing numbers of Latinos, blacks, and gays are supposed to wipe out the Republican majority forever. But what these pundits don’t count on is the core of the Republican coalition. They don’t know that today’s Republican Party is flooded with the ranks of two groups: young people with an intense Libertarian streak (and lots of gay friends with fabulous weddings to attend), and former Democrats who have been turned-off by their party’s Obama-Pelosi wing of big, intrusive government. You know these as the Tea Party.

In New Hampshire several weeks ago, GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney was asked, “When was the last time you stood up for gay rights?” The moderator repeated Romney’s own words, “I think the gay community needs more support from the Republican Party, and I would be a voice in the Republican Party to foster anti-discrimination efforts.”

Romney did not back down from his pledge.  He said, “If people are looking for someone who will discriminate against gays, or will in any way try and suggest that people that have different sexual orientation in this country don’t have full rights, they won’t find that in me.” When was the last time he spoke out for gay rights?  “Right now,” he proclaimed among Republican challengers in a Republican audience.  That Republican audience’s reaction: thunderous applause.

Gays are not one-issue voters.  Many of us own businesses: we don’t want them killed by over-regulation. Many of us have children: we don’t want to leave them with a mountain of debt. All of us pay taxes: we don’t want them drown our family budgets. Many of us still vote Democrat, because that’s what gays are supposed to do.

South Florida LGBT voters led the way in 2010, swinging a full third of our votes to Republicans.  With Mitt Romney at the top of the GOP ticket, I’m confident that this November will pave the way for a brand new Republican coalition that stands for liberty for all.  If LGBT voters are willing to look forward, that will be the legacy of today’s Republican Party.  If you want to see real progress, take a chance on a Mormon Republican who has an open mind. Or, you can support a Democrat who takes your vote for granted.

Photo: Mitt Romney: Gay-Friendlier Than You Might Have Imagined.

Nick Stone is Vice President of the Broward County Young Republicans. You can read more of his work at DrawnLines.com

This Week’s Q-Point from “Cross-Eyed” by AJ Cross

Tonight I missed him. Not a particular “him,” but the presence of a him. It doesn’t happen very often as I am very good at occupying as many of the hours in a day as possible. Tonight, I watched a couple at a diner hold hands, secretly underneath the table, and later saw another couple looking at one another the way only two people in love do, and I missed that feeling.

The feeling of someone saying, “I’m yours,” or waking up in the middle of night and having a warm body next to me. Knowing that the only sound in the house will be the voice in my head, instead of his voice saying something that will make me laugh, is not pleasing.

I miss the feeling of a hand on the small of my back leading me into a room, or having the smallest detail of something about me remembered, like telling the waiter that I want extra dressing on my salad.

I never took for granted the special aspects of being with someone, but I know that many people do. To those people, I say “don’t.” Don’t undervalue the fact that someone has chosen to be with you and share his or her life with you. Don’t take lightly that someone has chosen your lips above all others to kiss every day. Don’t wait until they are gone to tell them that they are missed. Don’t assume that finding what you already have is easy to find. If you think that the person you are with is not perfect, then you are probably right. But then again, neither are you, and they have chosen to be with you despite your imperfections.

So often the attributes that sparked our initial interest in someone become the very things that we seek to change, because we do not want them to be attractive to anyone else. This is selfish and wrong. Why would you want them to be less than who they are? Why shouldn’t they be witty, outgoing, and fashionable? This is what made you want them in the first place, right?

Remember that they made a conscious decision that you were they person they wanted to be with, and that is what matters.

The people we love should be loved with great dignity, respect, and freedom. A caged animal is not a happy animal. It does not stay because it wants to, but because it has no choice. Choice is the key to everything. When something is an option, it is very easy to opt out.

I would rather be writing a letter about a person who is here than a column about the person who is not. I am happy about the moment tonight when I missed “him,” because it will make meeting him again all the more special. Now go and kiss “him.”

AJ Cross is a contributing writer and author of his column “Cross-Eyed”. He can be reached at AJCrossConsulting@gmail.com.