By Sam Knew
So if revenge is a dish best served cold, at what temperature do you forgive? As a rule of thumb, allowing yourself some cooling off time is always best, but what happens when the heat of your emotions never seems to cool? Forgiveness is definitely one of those things that is easier said than done. For multiple reasons, holding on to the pain that others in our lives have caused us is easier than taking the emotional and challenging steps towards releasing it. This appears to be even more true for men. Studies find that men generally have a more difficult time forgiving. The consequences include higher risk of heart disease, increased blood pressure, and depression. The increased risk of holding these grudges seem like common sense to most, so why is it so many people struggle with it?
One reason is how we each define “forgiveness.” For starters, forgiveness is not about the people in our lives who have hurt us. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, and by accepting that truth, we may find ourselves more willing to take on the challenge. As with most challenges, when the choice to overcome them comes from within (versus an outside source, such as a family member, friend or a counselor), the effort put out is usually greater. Additionally, this self-determining action can make the process more beneficial than the actual outcome, which once again emphasizes the true beneficiary of forgiveness. But making up our minds to let go of the past is just the start of this journey. The next step is to implement our decision.
In some cases, individuals are fortunate enough to have the opportunity to confront their past in-person. In these cases, it’s important to remember to address your own feelings and thoughts about the situation. Using “I” statements is a great way of doing this, such as, “I really felt betrayed when you…” For many, this may prove the most difficult task. Individuals may feel foolish and u n c o m f o r t a b l e exposing their emotions. But the pay off (regardless of the outcome) is worth it. In cases that have created serious selfdoubt within oneself, individuals can see themselves as a victim. This form of self-expression allows a person to take control of a situation and allows victims to transform themselves into survivors. Survivors see the world differently from victims.
They have a sense of control and empowerment that victims do not.
In other cases, confronting individuals from your past may not always be an option. These individuals may have to find forgiveness on a more emotional and/or spiritual level. One technique is to change your inner dialog, that is, the things you tell yourself. For instance, remind yourself that forgiveness is not about forgetting or condoning past actions. More importantly, remind yourself what forgiveness is: it’s simply accepting that the past cannot be changed. This is true even when you, yourself, are the person that you have to forgive. Not allowing yourself to be trapped by the “would ‘ya, should ‘ya, could ‘ya” mindset is key. Maya Angelou, one of today’s great poets, best-selling author and activist, may have said it best, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
Sam Knew, MSW is an educator and a local counselor. He can be reached at samknewmsw@gmail.com
