We all tend to worry about certain situations in our life. We tell our friends how we are fearful that something is going to happen and it often causes us not to be able to focus on anything else. Did you realize that faith and fear ask us to do the same thing? They both ask us to believe in something that may or may not happen. In which direction do you turn your internal gaze–towards faith or fear?

In my previous article I discussed catastrophizing and how that causes us to spin out of control with fear, believing our worst-case scenario is going to happen. Unfortunately, in most situations, our default thinking pattern is to focus on the negative and listen to that voice of fear. Ironically, most of the fears we worry about are situations we’ve dealt with in the past and we’ve not previously suffered from the outcome. In fact, some of those worries that did come true, have launched us into our life’s purpose.

Faith is one of the most powerful attributes we can possess, but remember, it does not have to be religious. Think about it. Faith is essentially the essence of things we hope for, but the evidence is not yet there. We hope for something to come true and feelings of elation and euphoria saturate our mind as we dream about what will happen and the positive outcome we are expecting. Conversely, when we fantasize about things we fear will happen, it fills us with dread, worry, doubt, and hopelessness. Logically, it is amazing that we would willingly choose to fill ourselves with those negative emotions when we have the choice to direct our attention to faith instead of fear.

Often people ask how to focus on the voice of faith. Remember, you already have so much data inside of you. You’ve experienced similar situations before and you overcame it. One thing people often do is they expect the worst because they’ve experienced negative things before. But remember if you isolate an event then of course its going to be negative, but look at the event like a movie scene. Play it out. It may have stung initially, but it opened up a bigger and a better opportunity later.  Even if your current situation doesn’t end the way you want it to you have to have faith that it will all work together in a beautiful tapestry of your life, and it will. Think of this fun example, you can’t have chocolate chip cookies without having each of the ingredients added in. Some of those ingredients, by themselves, are bitter, but when they are mixed together you have a tasty cookie. It wouldn’t be that good without some of those bitter ingredients (moments). Faith will always sustain you. It will remind you that in your life, the highs and lows, are all part of something bigger than what you can see.

When you remember that you are in control of your thoughts and emotions, it puts the responsibility back on you to decide in which direction, faith or fear, will you focus. You have the ability to fill yourself with hope, joy, and happiness when you focus on faith. Conversely, you have the ability to fill yourself with doubt, worry, and dread by listening to fear. Which do you choose?

James Miller is a licensed psychotherapist and a piano composer who is known for his weekly iTunes podcast, YouTube channel, and his Academy where he teaches successful people to simplify and transform their lives. James’ latest album, Restoration, is available for purchase on all digital music stores. For more information visit: www.JamesMillerLifeology.com.

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Throughout your life you will experience many situations that simply do not make sense. The person whom you thought was the person of your dreams tells you it’s over. The job that seemed perfect for you was given to someone else. When these events happen, it causes you to feel defeated and will feed your own negative self-perception. Closed doors (opportunities) play a vital role in your development.

In previous articles, I’ve likened our lives to a jigsaw puzzles. When you scatter the pieces and start to connect them, some pieces make sense as to where they fit in the picture, while others seem obscure, as if they were accidentally put in the wrong box. It’s the same thing in your own life. There will be joyous events that you will remember with fondness, while other events seem painful, jagged and lonely. If you isolate that incident, it will feel badly, but just like that jigsaw puzzle, the disappointment has a place in your life. The difference is, you get to determine if it’s the primary piece that people (or even you) focus on in your life’s picture, or if it’s a supporting piece that is part of the background of the larger picture.

The more you isolate the event, the more it will become all you focus on and it will arrest your personal development. This event then becomes the label you use to describe yourself. These events are what you have experienced, but they are not who you are.

I once worked with a client who was heartbroken because the person whom she felt was the love of her life dumped her and she struggled to move on. She relayed how each day she would beg God to bring him back to her. I happened to run into her a few years after she was discharged from my practice and she introduced me to her husband and child. When they stepped away, she whispered how she now thanks God every day that she did not marry the previous man. He had now been married three times and could not maintain employment. This is a great example of how a closed door, which seems incredibly devastating at the time, is actually an opportunity for you to push beyond mediocrity.

When you experience a closed door, either from circumstances or from the choices of another person, think of it as an opportunity to grow. Sometimes a closed door has to happen because we would remain in that current situation and settle for less than we deserve. It may be hard to believe at this time, but that person actually did you a favor. Your heartache will end one day.

It’s up to you to look at previous events and remind yourself that you’ve overcome other emotional events. The trick is to now see how each of those previous disappointments led to an amazing opportunity later on. You may not realize that each of those events, just like that jigsaw puzzle, are all linked together.

The opportunities you have today would not have been made possible if you had not experienced the previous closed doors. It’s vital that you remind yourself of this as you process your grief from your current situation. There will come a time when you can look back and be amazed at how it all worked together. Remember, a setback is always a setup for a comeback.

James Miller is a licensed psychotherapist and a piano composer who is known for his weekly podcast, YouTube channel, and his Academy where he teaches successful people to simplify and transform their lives. James’ latest album, Restoration, is available for purchase on all digital music stores. www.JamesMillerLifeology.com

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We all remember the folktale of Chicken Little who believed that the world was coming to an end. He would run around yelling, “the sky is falling” because an acorn fell and hit him on the head. The moral of this folktale was to show how we can blow things out of proportion and assume the worst-case scenario. This is called catastrophizing.

In one of my earlier articles, I discussed thinking errors. Thinking errors are essentially the lens we use to skew our perception. In psychology, we teach the following regarding our perception: whatever our belief is about a situation determines what we feel. What we feel then tells our body how to react. The thinking error is the film or template we use to skew our perception and it then messes with our emotions and actions. Any time we have worry or fear we are activating this thinking error. Catastrophizing is making a mountain out of a molehill.

Many of us are aware of when we have these worst-case scenario thoughts but there are many subtle ways this mindset flares up in our belief system. We especially experience these worries at night. We catastrophize the events of the day or future events that have not yet transpired. Many of us lie awake at night spinning the worry wheel and start our next day exhausted.

When you are paralyzed with fear or worry, it is important to ask yourself, “What is my worst-case scenario thought about this situation?” Often we don’t realize that we, in fact, do have a worst-case scenario thought. Actually, you may have several worst-case scenario thoughts that you lump together. When you slow your thoughts down and either write what you are feeling or speak your thoughts aloud, you will recognize what catastrophe is skewing your perception and causing so much worry.

Next, it’s important to ask yourself, “What is the likelihood that this worst-case scenario event is going to happen?” When you can be realistic with the outcome of your worry and realize that the chances of your fear actually happening are slim, it takes away from the power of the catastrophe. In fact, ask yourself, “Has this worst-case scenario ever happened?” You have experienced similar situations before and no catastrophe has transpired. Now, ask yourself, “What is the more realistic outcome in this situation?” When you can use logic to ground your thoughts, it reduces your fear and anxiety.

It’s important you compartmentalize each of your worries. Meaning, let’s say you are anxious about going on a trip. You are worried you won’t wake up in time. You are worried you will miss your taxi. You fear you will forget your passport. You worry you will sit next to a talker on the plane, etc. When you compartmentalize each worry and focus on it separately, it reduces each catastrophe so they individually become manageable. Believing the more realistic outcome for each worry will allow you to enjoy your trip without worrying about unlikely catastrophes.

From the moment you start to worry, it’s imperative that you implement the techniques in this article. The longer you worry about something, the greater the influence it will have over you. When you are proactive and can overpower catastrophic thoughts, you won’t be like Chicken Little and think the sky is falling.

James Miller is a licensed psychotherapist and a piano composer who is known for his weekly podcast, YouTube channel, and his Academy where he teaches successful people to simplify and transform their lives. James’ latest album, Restoration, is available for purchase on all digital music stores. www.JamesMillerLifeology.com

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We’ve all heard the phrase that relationships are hard work. We often confuse this phrase with meaning that the hard work references resolving arguments and disagreements. Yes, that is part of finding the compromise in a relationship, but that’s not the true meaning of hard work that is referenced. Often we don’t realize that our bachelor version of self is causing extreme discord and strife in our relationship.

I’ve worked with many couples who struggle with finding common ground in relationships. They often complain about matters that are not pertinent to their relationship. I typically ask them to describe their bachelor version of self in comparison to their relationship version of self. Often, they struggle with this because they have not fully transitioned into their relationship version of self. The mindset, behaviors, and accountability factors of your bachelor self will not survive in a healthy relationship. Often, you will find that many of your relationship struggles are due to one of your reverting to the bachelor self and not realizing this will doom your relationship.

Have you ever seen people play with a beach ball? The goal is to keep the ball afloat and not let it touch the ground. Think of your relationship like a beach ball. Everything you do, in your relationship version of self, must be to keep the ball afloat. When you are in your bachelor version of self, you only engage in self-serving behaviors. The minute you revert to that version of self, you will quickly drop the ball and turmoil and discord will quickly ensue.

Every thought, behavior, and spoken word that transpires in your relationship should always be filtered through the simple question of, “is this going to help or hinder my relationship?” If there is any possibility that it will hinder your relationship (or drop the beach ball) then don’t do it. When you are vigilant that a simple comment could hinder your relationship you avoid unnecessary hurts or arguments. Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean you should share it.

I would challenge you to create a list of your bachelor and relationship versions of self. What were the attributes, behaviors, schedules, and overall lifestyle you lived when you were single? Compare that with your version of self in your relationship. Are they similar? If they are similar, then notice when you have struggles in your relationship. Do the struggles happen when you are in your bachelor mode? I can guarantee that you are reverting back to your previous version of self and that is one reason you are experiencing discord.

Of course, it is healthy for both parties to have their own hobbies, friends and interests. The difference between a bachelor version of self and a committed relationship version of self is the relationship will always come first. If engaging in those behaviors is in any way impeding the relationship or taking away from quality time with your partner, then your rationale for engaging in these behaviors is flawed and you will end up “dropping the beach ball.”

As much as you’d like to have a successful relationship and still live in your bachelor “glory days,” you will not be able to maintain a healthy relationship. As we’ve all heard, “you can’t have your cake and eat it too.” If you want a healthy relationship, you cannot have any bachelor mentality behaviors enter into your relationship. Keep the beach ball afloat.

James Miller is a licensed psychotherapist and a piano composer who is known for his weekly podcast, YouTube channel, and his Academy where he teaches successful people to simplify and transform their lives. James’ latest album, Restoration, is available for purchase on all digital music stores. www.JamesMillerLifeology.com

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We all have ideas of our perfect life, the perfect job, partner, income etc. We begin life with grand ideas, but years later we don’t recognize the person we’ve become. We find that our sense of self-fulfillment and overall happiness is low and our life feels unbalanced. The good news is, it’s never too late to get your life back on track.

Working with many clients over the years, each has his own version of what success means–mainly found with financial freedom or material things. One thing I encourage them do is to develop multiple measurements of success. If they are only focused on one measurement, then after they achieve it, they realize their life is now unbalanced. This is often where you hear of the stereotypical mid-life crisis. The person is attempting to redefine himself with different things. When you can create these different success measurements now, in the end, your life will be fulfilled.

As you continue with your journey, you may find yourself compromising in small areas of your life. This slowly starts to divert you from your course. You lose focus of what your goals are and over time these small compromises turn into larger, radical decisions which lead you astray. It is important to analyze your life right now to see if you are making compromises in your actions as well as your thinking. If you are, it is vital to correct this now as opposed to years later when you are having feelings of regret.

We often use distractions as a way of checking out from daily stressors. This is a good way to decompress if it is planned or a part of your routine. If using distractions becomes a lifestyle instead of a tool you use, then your priorities are skewed and you will find your life slowing down.  Keep in mind, distractions can be many things such as tv, going out, dating certain people, clubbing, etc. A good rule of thumb is, if you are more interested in engaging in one of these distractions than working on your goals, then it is a good indication that your distraction is turning into a lifestyle.

Feelings of defeat are easily accessible when we experience a setback. We suddenly lose momentum and find ourselves struggling to find the right side up. We often lose focus and feel as if we will never reach our goals. This is a critical time to regroup. The longer you sit with these feelings, the more your goal is going to feel unattainable. This is where many people settle and only achieve a mediocre life. Sometimes we have to be our own cheerleader. Learning how to develop healthy self-talk during this time will bolster your confidence and help you redouble your efforts.

Regardless where you are in your stage of life, you can always reset, redirect and refocus. There is no decision you have made that can stop you from fulfilling your purpose. As long as you are willing to recommit yourself to find your fulfillment, you will be successful. Think of your life like a bank account. You can only withdraw what you deposit in to it. You get to determine what that is. Your life is only as limited as you want it to be.

James Miller is a licensed psychotherapist and a piano composer who is known for his weekly iTunes podcast, YouTube channel, and his Academy where he teaches successful people to simplify and transform their lives. James’ latest album, Restoration, is available for purchase on all digital music stores. For more information visit: www.JamesMillerLifeology.com.

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When we were growing up we were taught to forgive others. We were told it’s the right thing to do in order to move on with our lives. We often apologize to others and feel better when we know they have forgiven us. What happens when the person who has hurt you is you?

There are parts of you that you are going cherish and nurture, while there are areas of growth that are going to cause you turmoil. You can’t truly be at peace with yourself if you only cherry-pick the areas that you are proud of. In order for your mind, body, and spirit to work in concert you must find compassion for yourself in the areas in which you struggle. Learning to forgive yourself is the first step in finding inner peace.

Most of us would not go up to strangers and say hurtful things to them if they have hurt us in some way. However, the majority of us have no problem saying negative, hurtful things to ourselves after we have done something that we aren’t proud of. Did you realize that in mentally speaking these negative things to yourself that you are essentially engaging in emotional abuse?

There are certain behaviors that you engage in that have become habits. You’ve told yourself you won’t do them again but find yourself in this vicious loop of action and then regret. For example, you tell yourself you won’t date a certain type of person and the next thing you know, you are in a relationship with this type of person. Or, you are struggling with losing weight and you find yourself late at night eating something you told yourself you wouldn’t eat again. Another example, you know you shouldn’t engage in a partying lifestyle, but you find yourself eagerly returning to these addictive behaviors. When you have the realization that you have betrayed yourself what is the first thing you do? Do you berate yourself or do you start the process of internal forgiving?

What does it mean to forgive yourself? I encourage my clients to do one of two things: either verbally speak or write to oneself. There are essentially two parts of you, the part that chooses to engage in the behavior and the part of you that is frustrated, embarrassed or hurt. The part of you that screwed up is the part that needs to apologize to the healthier side of you. When you have either a verbal dialogue or write it down in narrative form it gives both “parties” an opportunity to have a healthy dialogue about what has happened and how it has affected the person as a whole. It may sound odd, but when you hold the part of you that continues to engage in negative behaviors accountable it helps you learn from your past mistakes and formulate a proactive plan rather than spend time and energy berating yourself and continuing a pattern of negative self-talk.

Regardless of the behavior you’ve engaged in and how long ago the situation transpired you have a choice. Do you continue to look down on yourself for these negative behaviors or do you start the process of internal forgiveness? Forgiving yourself is the only way you will truly find inner peace.

James Miller is a licensed psychotherapist and a piano composer who is known for his weekly podcast, YouTube channel, and his Academy where he teaches successful people to simplify and transform their lives. James’ latest album, Restoration, is available for purchase on all digital music stores. www.JamesMillerLifeology.com.

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One of the many great things about being human is our ability to feel. Our thoughts and emotions help us navigate any situation that we are in. Many people don’t realize how emotions are closely linked to the body. Each emotion has a specific physiological response. Depending on the emotion felt will determine if your body reacts in a healthy or unhealthy way.

The natural progression from perception to action is as follows: whatever perception (a quick mental snapshot) we have about any situation determines our thoughts. Our thoughts then create the emotions we feel. Our emotions then direct our body to respond. When we aren’t fully aware of what is happening we become reactive and respond in unhealthy ways. When we have more insight into our perception and the emotions we are feeling it gives us insight into the health benefits our body is experiencing.

We all grew up hearing that real men don’t cry. For some reason that has been instilled in many men. If a boy is found crying he is teased by others or is seen as weak. Many people don’t realize the physiological response from crying. Have you ever cried and thought, “I feel so much better now?” When we cry the toxins in our body are released through tears. Any stress hormones that were secreted during an event, that weren’t purged naturally from our body, will be released through our tears. Naturally, you will feel better after a good cry because your body has literally purged the toxins and stress hormones that you no longer need.

There is a great physiological reaction with happiness; specifically when it’s demonstrated though laughter. When we laugh our body creates Natural-Killer Cells (NKC). These cells attack any cancer or tumorous cells that may be in our body. The old saying, “Laugher is the best medicine,” is actually true. There is a direct correlation between people who consistently laugh and living a long life. Laughter also helps reduce stress, strengthens the heart, and releases endorphins, the “feel-good” chemicals.

We’ve all heard of the Fight or Flight Response. Based on the snapshot perception we have determines if we are in danger, we must defend ourselves, or flee. The emotions that accompany each of those actions release certain chemicals in our body which helps us achieve whichever response we feel is best. Anger is used to defend ourselves in that moment. However, what happens when the situation is over and we are still angry? When a person holds on to anger it can become a lifestyle full of bitterness. Bitterness translates to a physiological response of weakening and compromising one’s immune system. It even, over time, can make the person appear less physically attractive. Who wants that?

These are only a few examples of how your emotions are linked with a physiological response. Remember, to be a real man, one must express all emotions in a healthy way. These emotions purge the body of all toxins and allows him to be healthier and live longer than those who repress their emotions and don’t use linked physiological responses. You have emotions for a reason, when you understand how your emotions affect your body, you get to determine if it’s a healthy expression or not.

James Miller is a licensed psychotherapist and a piano composer who is known for his weekly iTunes podcast, YouTube channel, and his Academy where he teaches successful people to simplify and transform their lives. James’ latest album, Restoration, is available for purchase on all digital music stores. For more information visit: www.JamesMillerLifeology.com.

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We’ve all seen those medieval movies where the castle walls defend the townspeople from the invading army. The purpose of the castle walls is to keep the people safe. Many of us don’t realize that, just like those castle walls, setting healthy boundaries keep us safe.

A boundary is the demonstration of how we protect ourselves when a situation causes us to feel in danger or disrespected. Boundaries can be set by voicing them or by our behaviors. Unfortunately, many of us struggle with setting limits. Some of us are conflict-avoidant while others are passive aggressive. When we are not assertive, the power of the boundary is lost in the delivery.

There are actually two types of boundaries: internal and external boundaries. However, most people are only familiar with external boundaries. Being assertive is one of the best attributes we can demonstrate for self-advocacy. The formula for setting a healthy boundary is:

1. Use “I” statements. “I” statements are statements that only use the word “I” and not “you.” Anytime you use the word “you” when you are setting a boundary, the person will hear it as an attack and become defensive. For example, “I am feeling frustrated because I am not being heard in this conversation.”
2. Explain which behavior is causing your discomfort.
3. Tell the offender what the consequence will be if the behavior continues.
4. Follow through with your boundary/consequence.

For example, you are on the phone with someone who starts to yell at you. A healthy boundary would be, “I am feeling attacked in this conversation. If the yelling does not stop, I will hang up.” The person yells again. You hang up the phone.

Did you realize that it is just as important to set internal boundaries with yourself? The part of us that advocates and protects others should also be just as active inside our head. However, most people don’t pay attention to that voice and don’t internally self-advocate. For example, if I’m always telling myself I can’t do something, or I’m always a failure, my own self-confidence will continue to falter. This then opens the door for more negative self-talk and negative self-belief. Did you realize that you are emotionally abusing yourself?

Setting an internal boundary is essentially treating the negative thoughts or behaviors as you would treat a person who is being disrespectful to you. (Obviously for internal boundaries, you may use “you” statements.) Pretend as if the negative self-talk is like a person bullying you. How would you respond? For example, “I don’t appreciate you beating yourself up by this negative self-talk.” “I am not ok with you telling yourself you are a failure, or always staying up at night worrying.” “This needs to stop now.” When we allow the internal advocate voice to tell us to, basically, snap out of it, we realize that the emotions and thoughts we are having are detrimental and negative. Without creating an internal self-boundary, you will not be able to regulate your thoughts and emotions and will live in self-defeat.

When you learn to set healthy boundaries with the people around you and the internal negative self-talk, you will live a life full of emotional, physical and spiritual safety. You are your biggest advocate. The more assertive you are, the more enriched your life will be.

James Miller is a licensed psychotherapist and a piano composer who is known for his weekly podcast, YouTube channel, and his Academy where he teaches successful people to simplify and transform their lives. James’ latest album, Restoration, is available for purchase on all digital music stores. www.JamesMillerLifeology.com.

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Each life event, from the most influential to the mundane, will affect you. Often you may plan events that are monumental in nature and revel in the excitement and joy that comes with these events. However, what happens when situations transpire that do not make sense?

Your life is like a jigsaw puzzle. When you look at the puzzle box, you see what the end result will look like. There will be pieces you immediately know where they will be placed based on the shape, size, and color. Conversely, there are pieces that are confusing and are often put aside because you have no idea where it is supposed to go in the puzzle. This is analogous to real life. There will be life situations that easily make sense: birth of a child, marriage, new home, and many other wonderful situations. However, what about those events that blindside you – that make no sense as to why or how they even happened? How do they fit in with your life?

When you isolate an incident and focus on all that has happened, you are right. It will not make sense. But it is important to remind yourself that, just like that jigsaw puzzle, the event is part of the bigger picture. Sure, it does not mean that calamity and misfortune will always beset you, but it does mean that the overall perspective is that all situations are interconnected. If you focus on a coin and bring it to your eye, that is all you will see. Just like in this situation, if you solely focus on the event itself, it will not make sense to you and you may become stuck and not transition to the next level in your life.

Sometimes you have to create a file in your mind that is simply named, “I don’t understand it,” and leave the event there. Overly focusing on the event itself arrests your ability to be proactive and you drown in fear and paralysis. Reminding yourself that you don’t have to figure out the “why” of the event helps you focus on a plan of action.

Many situations in your life will be painful, but when you stop and reflect on the person you are today I’m sure you are proud of the person you have become. Of course, you would not want to relive those events, but they were all linked together – just like the jigsaw puzzle to create a beautiful picture, your life. Those times were used to shape your personality and teach you valuable life lessons.

When you are proactive in your life and strive to be the best you can be in all events, from the joyous to the most painful, you will have confidence knowing that you will overcome any situation. Life is fluid. Events happen all the time and there is no reason to be stuck on one event because it will change.

Remember, in the jigsaw puzzle of life, some of the pieces have vibrant colors while others are dark and drab. You cannot always be on the mountaintop, but must traverse the valleys to ascend to the next level of personal development. Being blindsided is a part of this transition. It is not placed in your life to destroy you, but rather placed in your life to promote you.

James Miller is a licensed psychotherapist and a piano composer who is known for his weekly iTunes podcast, YouTube channel, and his Academy where he teaches successful people to simplify and transform their lives. James’ latest album, Restoration is available for purchase on all digital music stores. For more information visit:www.JamesMillerLifeology.com.

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