In the 1972 musical “Company,” Stephen Sondheim wrote “Isn’t Warm? Isn’t Rosy? Side by side/Ports in a storm, comfy and cozy/Side by side.” To this, I add: Not!

Relationships: Whether we like it or “not,” we are the product of them, born into them and our lives defined by them. The word almost sounds soothing to the ears. Even the individual words that combine to form the new word—“relation” and “ships”—seem happy and smooth-sailing. But, just wait until you are onboard.

Our primary relationships (with our parents) help to form our personality and our attitude towards our other life connections. Many mental health professionals, me included, believe that a turbulent and rough relationship with our parents sets the tone for the other relationships developed along our personal journey.

If you are involved in a good relationship, everything is hunky-dory. There is little conflict and the boat ride progresses easily to its destination of bliss and satisfaction.

But what about the relationships that are rough and tempestuous?

Relationships can provide many benefits. They can offer companionship, security, romance, and support. They can also be riddled with mixed messages, communication breakdowns, disappointments, misunderstandings, and conflict. Some partners have a difficult time expressing their needs to each other. Arguments or disagreement may follow, but they may have positive or negative consequences. I believe that a “fair fight” or “heated discussion” can produce a positive outcome if both parties use this opportunity to resolve that issue.

A negative outcome might include one partner sulking or tuning out the other partner’s concerns. Words of disrespect may be expressed, and the parties stop listening to each other. My experience has been that, no matter what the argument is about, it is typically doesn’t represent the real issue.

Here are some suggestions to find successful solutions to relationship conflict:

1. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Tell yourself, “I care about this person. This issue is really bothering them. How can I make it better?”
2. Discover the real reason why your friend/partner/family member is upset, in a nurturing and non-accusing manner.
3. Remember that this disagreement is not the end of the relationship, but possibly a new beginning or means to real understanding.
4. Take responsibility in the creation of conflict, and try to reach some kind of settlement or compromise.
5. If appropriate, introduce some humor into the conversation to lighten the mood.
6. If the conflict is too extreme, try to agree to disagree.
7. Talk respectfully to each other without foul language or demeaning undertones.
8. Accept that there is a problem and try to make a plan to solve it.
9. Prepare to forgive the other person.

It’s important to realize that you may be willing to sever a relationship over an issue that can be mutually settled with ease and calm. Is it worth giving up a great friend, supportive family member, or a loving partner because you weren’t willing to hear their side of things?

Howard M. Cohen, M.S. is a Wilton Manors-based Registered Mental Health Counseling Intern.

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